In Defense of Valentine's Day

I had to defend Valentine's Day, after guests at my Chinese-New Year-themed Shabbat table looked incredulous when I distributed heart-decorated paper napkins with dessert.  I'm used to defending Halloween, but Valentine's Day is so innocuous, so American and so un-religious, I've never before been called to its defense.

My response is that any day that encourages expressions of love and appreciation is fine by me.  Scoffers who disdain commercialization, and lonely hearts who find the day a reminder of their sad status choose to use the occasion to reinforce their existant negativity.  They could hand-write a loving note rather than make purchases, or spend the time cheering up ill or infirm neighbors, or ignore the holiday altogether, rather than wallow in glass-half-empty dourness.

My husband romantically brings me a daily bouquet from the grocery store that he picks out on his way home, and I didn't expect or want any special gift Sunday.  But I see nothing wrong with "constructive guilt" if it spurs husbands (and wives) normally remiss to take a few minutes and spend a few bucks on a token of love.  I consider it a good thing that our sorry economy can receive a temporary boost from balloons, flowers and even jewelry selected to please--or even placate--someone important.

It's a Jewish concept to repair negative feelings by investing in the object of your displeasure.  So the little effort made to select and deliver any kind of Valentine works to improve relationships.  Choosing and giving bring people closer. Very simple. No downside.

My Jewish friends don't like the day's association to Catholic Saint Valentine.  Though he was added to a list of saints in 496 for being a martyr, even at that time it was noted that nobody knew exactly who he was or what he'd done. Geoffrey Chaucer apparently came up with the association of Valentine with love in a long love poem he wrote in the late 1300s, "Parliament of Fowls:"  "And there was not any bird that is created through procreation that was not ready in her presence to hear her and receive her judgment. For this was Saint Valentine’s day, when every bird of every kind that men can imagine comes to this place to choose his mate."  Yes, it's a poem about birds.  I find this an unconvincing reason to assume all the elementary teachers festooning their classrooms with red hearts are performing religious service.

Now, I can see why curmudgeons eschew the power of dreaded social authority to dictate when or how they will express their love.  On the other hand, curmudgeons are by definition crusty, ill-tempered and disagreeable. Fat chance they're demonstrative the rest of the year, either.

On the other hand, I personally consider it a bit unseemly to make frouffy home displays for the holiday, even if Valentine decor is the only thing in stores since Dec. 26. I make hand-made cards for my children and a few select others, and consider it a luxury to spend my limited time creating something specially for each of them.

What's wrong with celebrating love? We could all use more of it.

(above: St. Valentine receives a Rosary from the Virgin, by David Teniers III.)

Have a Heart

Jews don't believe in Valentine's Day. Not even if the "Saint" title is obscured. Not even if the entire culture is rife with red hearts, silver foil, expensive bouquets and urges not to forget the beloved lest that love be lost. Jews don't believe in Valentine's Day not because we're a curmudgeonly lot, determined to fly in the face of the surrounding culture, though indeed we often are just that. In fact, expression of love is well-rooted in Jewish culture...and in fact prescribed by Jewish culture. There are actual Jewish laws that command husbands about their intimate duties to their wives--how often their services are to be offered at a minimum, determined by the profession of the husband. More well known might be the habit to bring the wife flowers on the eve of the Sabbath. Equally important are traditions to treat one's husband like a king, and one's wife like a queen.
So why, then, are religious Jews so obtuse about Valentine's Day? Well, largely because of that well-camouflaged "Saint" origin. Jews don't care much for Easter, either. Ramadan isn't observed as well.
Jews have plenty of holidays as-is. Some might even secretly think, "too many holidays." Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, okay, everyone knows those. And Chanuka, yes, the Jewish answer to....NO, exactly the opposite, the Jewish answer to Jews assimilating. But what about those lovely four days for Sukkot and Shimini Atseret? "The time of our rejoicing." Four days for Passover. Shavuot, the giving of the Torah. Seven weeks of counting the Omer. Three weeks of mourning Jewish tragedies in the summertime. The birthday of the Trees. SIX, count 'em, SIX fast days. And they call the one month without holidays "MAR Cheshvan," bitter because it has no celebrations.
Well, I'll confess to those few who read this: I like Valentine's Day. I enjoy those hearts, I enjoy the idea of professing love. I enjoy the cheerfulness of the rows of flowers at the supermarket, and the sweetness of the sappy cards. I (big confession for a Jew...) make Valentines for my children. With construction paper, doilies, stickers, silver markers, and lately, even heart-cropped photos of me with each of them. I send a Valentine to my aunt, who's 100 years old. Another to our adoptive brother/uncle/household helper. The ones to my children say "I love you to the MAX," the ones to others say, "Happy Valentine's Day," but really say, "I appreciate you. I remember you. I care about you."
There's plenty to say against Valentine's Day, now that it's become so commercialized. But then again, nobody buys a bouquet of roses against his will. Nobody gets a mylar balloon or a Vermont Teddy Bear or even a box of chocolates ("you never know what you're gonna get") without caring about the recipient. And all the merchants and florists and balloon inflaters and Teddy Bear-stuffers are happy and the economy prospers and the free market system scores another victory. But this time, it's doing so because of love. Because our culture has embraced the idea of expressing affection and caring. I just find it tough to argue with that.